I am a waste of energy and of time. No matter how hard I were to try to explain myself you still wouldn't be able to semi-grasp the concept. So whats the point of explaining, or even trying to for that matter. Im out of fuel. Im out of energy. Im not trying to bring anyone else down with me, so im separating myself from all of you. Just please, let me do that in peace. It makes it worse when you try to argue, and when you try to push me to do things that i dont want to do.

                                                                                                       Just walk away.

I ordered new hula hoops off line the other day. a pair of day hoops with grip. One big one and two smaller ones. Im going to start learning tricks, and im going to get really good. And when i get steller, im going to buy myself the LED hoops that are $300. Which are going to be fucking baller.
And im excited for my new boots to come in the mail too. I want to wear them now. I want to fucking sleep in them for fucks sake.

My boyfriend is still not in Raleigh. My birthday is in about 24 hours and 20 minutes or so.
Im still not excited.
Ive been blowing everyone off whose trying to hang out with me. I have no desire to do anything what so ever.
Im not a happy camper.
Im starting to feel a little bit better with the warm weather, yet im not entirely there. i'll work on it.

I dont think that im all that special.
Yet they do...

Skins season 4 episode 5.
I am Effy. Adam is Freddy.
I dont want to be effy. I dont want Adam to ever feel like Freddy.
I dont want to be taken care of, yet I need to be.
I cant stop crying.

Yet i love him more than ive ever loved anything or anyone before

I hate that he is enjoying life and having fun. When i am not. It makes me hate myself even more. I dont want to have a party anymore. I dont want to go out anymore. I dont want friends. I dont want to move to Boone. I almost just want to leave him and let him live his life. I feel like I merely get in the way. I feel like im a downer. Holding him back from something, in some way. I know that I shouldn't be, but im angry at him right now. For reasons that make no since at all. Im angry that hes having fun, when im sitting here all by myself. Night after night after night.

Spring is coming. Plans are changing. And the depression seems to worsen. It looks as if im not moving to boone anymore. Its looks as if that means that I wont have a boyfriend for too much longer after that. It looks as if my life is on repeat. Making plans. Breaking them. Staying in the same fucking situation ive spent my life trying to get out of. This cycle better break soon before I force it to break. Im not happy anymore. I dont get excited anymore. I just bitch all the time, and im so angry. I dont look forward to things that I should be looking forward to. Im hopeless.
Im putting myself back on anti-depressants. The last three times ive tried, they made me numb and more suicidal. Im hoping now that im older, that may change. If not, im not sure what to do. Im at the end of the dead end, looking off the cliff.

aside from the fact that im sick and this would be nearly impossible right now, i want some coke.

I fucking hate being dependent on something, and relying on them for my happiness.
Fuck it.
Walls are being built up again.

My head has been a constant black maze of feelings and emotions. I get lost, I find myself, then manage to lose myself yet again. I find myself constantly trying to become someone. Someone that I have thought up in my head. When I finally create that person, I am then unhappy and want to create someone else. I strive to be nothing in the end. To lose myself in my own constant, pointless battle. I know not who I am, nor who i've become, nor who I am trying to be. My emotions and thoughts sway like trees in the wind during a hurricane. Ive become strangely intrigued by the thought of my own death. Whether intention or incidental. I find myself unafraid. Happy to die young because im unsure of what the future beholds. Yet also happy because I am satisfied with who I have become and the life that I would leave behind. It seems like such an easy way out. A way to end the pain that has no cause. If I were to live on, which seems like the fitting scenario.. what then. Im always chasing myself into no mans land. Only genuinely happy half the time. The other half, I am still puzzled as to why I am not. It's not the people that I surround myself with. Its not the setting I put myself in. Its personal. Its deep within. Something no drug, nor anyone can touch. Its all me. Another chapter in my life and still the problem is deep within. It is not within eye sight. Yet as the pages turn, it slumbers.

Karma has treated me very well thus far.
Gotta love it.

fuck you. fuck you. and fuck you.

'All i see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
That i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me'

'twilight turned to darkness. I wasn't sure of where to go.'

music: matt costa

my serotonin and melatonin levels are out of whack.

So much time has passed, and so much has happened. Its amazing how many people haven't grown up. Haven't altered their life or mind in these few years. Quit trying to bring me down. Grow up. Dont be stuck in the past. Its not healthy.

i dont want to see him. i dont want to talk about him. i dont want to hear about him. i just want him to fucking disappear. it looks as if im going to have to wait until i fucking leave north carolina to not hear his name again. it makes me so uncomfortable. no matter what you think you know, you have no idea. so shut the fuck up.

This is not good.

She found her way home.

:D