| (no subject) |
|
|
12:06pm 09/05/2008 |
|
| |
Last night Bekah and I spraypainted more trees silver. I decided every trip I make, more things will become silver. Austin was drunk and upset. It was obvious. He had his head down the whole time. I didn't know what to do. It upsets me just thinking about it actually. I wanted to comfort him, yet I didn't want to lead him on. Yesterday he told me that he really likes me. He has for a while, yet instead of making a move he helped me out with clint and wes. Because he just wanted to see me happy. He told me that im the kind of girl that he is willing to slow down for. That I make him laugh, and he loves my personality. I didn't know what to say back to him, except 'lets take a few days to clear our heads' because he had said that to me earlier in the night. I thought it was a good idea. Instead he took it offensively and told me to just forget about it. He even pushed me away and just walked inside. I dont know what to tell him though. I mean, I could be happy with Austin, yes. Ive had a thing for him for a while. I just feel as if he came around too late. My heart doesn't feel right with him. Instead I've given my heart to Wes. Who really doesn't want it. He could care less anymore, and I dont know how to fix it. I told him the last bit of truth that I could muster up out of me. I told him that I almost let the love word slip out a few times because it felt right, but I got nervous. And honestly I didnt think he'd want to hear it. I dont think he'd want to hear it now even. Its done though, I said it. He's said nothing back. I dont think he will. I dont think he'll say anything to me for a while now. Im not sure what to do. Im not sure what to say. I just feel so empty. I wish he'd realize this. I just want him to be mine, Me to be his, then the world can start spinning again. Because right now, its standing still. I just want my baby back damn it! |
|
| |
|
Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
|
| |
|
| WHERE IS THE FUCKING REWIND BUTTON? |
|
|
02:40am 09/05/2008 |
|
| |
There I go, doing what I do. Fucking shit up. Taking something beatiful and tearing it apart some how. I dont know how I do these things. What the fuck, What have I done. Theres no excuses. Theres nothing more that I can say. I feel completely empty now though. Theres so much going on, I really dont know how to handle all of this. Today was a good day actually, Bekah and I went to Raleigh to go pick up her new car!!!! I couldn't stop smiling, neither could she. Our cheeks hurt like hell by the time we got home. Yet nothing is going right. We blew a tire today, on the side of 440. So we were stuck on the left side, by the fast lane, and we had to wait 45 minutes for a guy to come change our tire. Things are still fucked up with Michelle. Im tired of dealing with it to be completely honest. I just wanted my shirt back, now I dont even give a damn. Its not even about that, we've completely broken our bond. It can't go back after this, I dont want it to. Shes someone that I dont even want to associate myself with. I want to do something to my tattoo now, change it in some way.. Im thinking of possibly getting more pieces added to it. Yet with other designs, just a brainstorm. Things are completely fucked up with Wes. I dont know what to do with myself. I dont know what to say. Bekah and I stopped at Backyard to get food, I saw this girl Courtney in there.. Last time I was there, I was there with Wes. So she asked out him, she called him my boyfriend and I didn't correct her. She then went on to tell me that we looked really cute together, and I honestly wanted to cry right there. I fucked up, its something I do. Theres no going back. I hurt him, and thats what hurts me the most. I just want to hug him, kiss him, and hold him close. I want to hold him and not let go. Just stay in his arms where I feel safest. Im gonna wait it out. We'll cross paths again soon, very soon im hoping. I have no idea what is going to happen from here, I can just hope. There are so many words that I want to say, words that are just trying to sneak out of my mouth. Words that I shouldn't say. Wrong timing. And it'd mean nothing. I really just dont know what to do. I feel empty. I feel disqusted with myself. I feel more lonely than I have felt in a while. Austin and I decided we shouldnt talk for a while. Seems to be whats best. |
|
| |
|
Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
|
| |
|
| (no subject) |
|
|
04:43am 08/05/2008 |
|
| |
I had to say it, I just had to fucking say it. What else could go wrong. What the fuck what I thinking.
I dont know what to do anymore but cry. Crying is the only thing im good at. Everything else, I just seem to fuck it all up.
To be completely honest, all I want to do is cut myself, ball myself up in a corner. Maybe sit in my closet and just scream my little heart out.
Hoping that maybe someone will come to my rescuse. But the truth is, no one ever does.
It has never happened. And I guess in the end, im better than that now, yet am I really?
It seems as if im the same person I have always been. I will never change. Yet change is the only thing im good at.
I wish I knew the words to say, Yet I know nothing anymore.
I wish I could make him see. I wish he knew what he means to me. Ive made more than my fair share of mistakes. Yet some how I thought those careless mistakes were behind me. I guess thats just who I am. No good.
I cant live like this. And If i never hear anything back, its going to drive me insane.
I feel like driving to Raleigh right now, and going to where he is so that I can explain myself.
Then again, I feel like never going back to Raleigh again.
Ive caused too much pain, too much drama.
Too much shit that I dont really want to face right now.
My heart was just ripped out of my chest, thrown on the floor and jumped on until all the blood from the inside was splattered all over the floor.
All in two simple words.
'Austin really' Im tired of being hurt, really.
It seems as if thats mostly all i experience.
I need something real.
But then again, I'll probably just fuck that up too. |
|
| |
|
Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
|
| |
|
| (no subject) |
|
|
10:57am 07/05/2008 |
|
| |
Im more depressed than I have been in a while. Yet I just dont care enough to be upset. Nothing is going right, but hey, thats life. I dont expect anything from anyone anymore. I dont know what else can go wrong. [knock on wood] I feel as if ive lost so many people in these past few days, its crazy. Everything was going ok. WHAT THE FUCK WENT WRONG?! HOW THE FUCK DO I FIX IT?! Im out a best friend now, which leaves me with Bekah. Thats pretty much it. I mean, I have Brianna too, who I love dearly. Nothing will break us apart.
I haven't talked to Megan in I dont even know how long, I dont really talk to Kaitlin or Marijah, ever. Michelle is being a little cunt ass bitch. I just want my shirt back, thats all. I dont want to see her again, I dont want to talk to her again, JUST DROP IT OFF AT MY FUCKING PARENTS HOUSE DAMN IT! OR THROW IT IN MY MOTHERFUCKING YARD OR SOMETHING. ITS NOT THAT DAMN DIFFICULT.
All I wanted to do yesterday was cry. Just sit in my room, turn the lights off, and just cry my little heart out. whats left of it. Yet instead, Me and Bekah just sat around, laughing. Laughing at how angry I was becoming and how stupid some people are these days, its ridiculous.
I guess its a good thing that im staying in Wilmington. Since im a horrible friend and all. YES, IM THE HORRIBLE FRIEND.
IM NOT THE ONE THAT FUCKING STOLE MY FRIENDS FAVORITE SHIRT. IM NOT THE ONE THAT FUCKING SHOT UP HEROIN IN HER BEST FRIENDS CAR. AT HER FUCKING HOUSE, WHILE SHE WAS TRIPPING MUSHROOMS. IM NOT THE ONE WHOS BEING THE LITTLE BITCH. GROW THE FUCK UP MICHELLE. I LOVE HOW YOU LIED TO MY MOTHERFUCKING FACE THEN TRIED TO STRENGTHEN OUR FRIENDSHIP, JUST SO EVERYONE ON FUCKING RALEIGH COULD FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED AND ID BE THE LAST TO KNOW. I HOPE YOU SHOOT UP AGAIN ACTUALLY, AND I HOPE IT MAKES YOU SICK AS HELL. MAYBE YOU'LL GET AN INFECTION OR SOMETHING. MOTHERFUCKER, YOU DONT FUCKING SHOOT UP IN MY GOD DAMN CAR, ITS MOTHERFUCKING HEROIN FREE YOU LITTLE JUNKIE BITCH. THEN YOU HAVE THE FUCKING NERVE TO CALL ME A FUCKING WHORE AND TELL ME THAT IM SLUTTING MYSELF AROUND. THATS FUCKING LOW. OH MY GOD, 5 GUYS IN 7 MONTHS. HOLY SHIT IM SUCH A FUCKING WHORE. I WAS DATING TWO OF THEM, AND THE OTHERS IT WAS JUST ONCE. AND YOU FUCKING SAID THAT I SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH TWO OF THEM. YOU WANTED TO FUCKING JOIN EVEN. SO DONT FUCKING GIVE ME THAT SHIT. YOU'VE SLEPT WITH AS MANY GUYS AS ME, IF NOT MORE. SO I GUESS YOURE JUST AS MUCH OF A WHORE AS I AM.
Whatever, it doesn't really fucking matter. Im done. Im done with it all. Nothing really matters anymore. I dont know who I can really trust, and who I can't. Since I seem to trust everyone and that blows up in my motherfucking face. And the one person I do care about cant even pick up a phone to call me. Im really not that important. Im just here to be here. fuck it.
|
|
| |
|
Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
|
| |
|
| (no subject) |
|
|
10:19am 06/05/2008 |
|
| |
This morning I woke up early and couldn't go back to sleep. I just laid in bed crying and whispering your name. I hoped you'd hear it and call me. I had no such luck. |
|
| |
|
Read 2 - Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
|
| |
|
| (no subject) |
|
|
11:38pm 05/05/2008 |
|
| |
I dont know how I feel anymore, I dont know what to think. I dont know what is true and what is make-believe. I dont know what I want, And I really dont know what to do. I just wish there was a pause button, or fast forward. That'd be nice.
Every situation has its ups and downs. It seems as if mostly all of situations going on are half good, half bad. I dont know what outweighs what. I tend to put myself in awkward situations, knowing very well that it will spice of up life, and I probably wont know what to do. I get myself in trouble that way. Currently, I have mixed feelings about everything. I dont know who to talk to anymore, everyone seems bias.
I talk to Bekah about everything mostly, its nice. We give eachother advice and make silly ass comments on things. I still believe she is bias herself though.
I dont know, Michelle and I are fighting. I really dont care to talk to her anytime soon. I hate when we exchange dirty nasty words. It kind of makes me sick, and I get very angry. Then again, fuck it. People come and go all the time right? If I never met Michelle, I would have just met someone else. We always have the opportunity to meet other people. To say fuck you. Im tired of dealing with a lot of shit. Im tired of hearing bullshit. Im tired of arguing. Im tired of not knowing what to do. IM FUCKING TIRED OF NOT HAVING ANY ANSWERS! Answers to anything, it seems as if everything is unfinished or starting, or somethings missing.
Its all groovy though, This shit is going to tear me apart from the inside over the next few weeks.
I just want to be happy, I want to be content. I dont want to have to worry. I dont want to have to bitch.
I WANT PEACE DAMN IT!
I want to go to sleep for a few days. I can't though.
And my exam is wednesday.
I still have yet to study. shit, it'll happen though.
After that, im catching up on sleep, and starting to get tan and going to the beach.
Ugh,
I just wish I knew what the fuck is going on. Whats the god damn deal yo. Dont leave me hanging. |
|
| |
|
Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
|
| |
|
| (no subject) |
|
|
10:08pm 01/05/2008 |
|
| |
I must say, this Raleigh trip has been an adventure. Yet they all are. I am sad to leave, as I always am. Yet excited to go back home. I miss my babies and Bekah already. Silly to say, but yes. So much has happened in these two days, it boggles my mind. I dont even know what to think about things right now. When im back in Wilmington though, i'll figure things out. Back to isolation from the real world of my friends lives. something like that. I dont know. Time to go to Austins, then im headed out. |
|
| |
|
Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
|
| |
|
| Bang bang, |
|
|
12:10am 27/04/2008 |
|
| |
Im just groovin' & going with the flow. Doing my thing, and letting the world spin. And spinning it is. Im getting dizzy and confused. Yet my feet are flat on the ground. Summer is so close I can smell it. Summer brings fun times about, No class, and crazy shit is a foot. Loneliness is caving in. But, in the end.. Everything will come together. |
|
| |
|
Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
|
| |
|
| (no subject) |
|
|
11:14am 26/04/2008 |
|
| |
We got baked and started painting the coffee table.
I must say, I can't complain about anything lately.
Except my throat hurting and my neighbor not leaving me alone.
And things would be a lot better if YOU were here.
I miss you baby boy, |
|
| |
|
Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
|
| |
|
| (no subject) |
|
|
02:59pm 23/04/2008 |
|
| |
And baby, im getting on the same page as you. Im almost at that point where I really dont give a fuck. At that time however, im destructive. |
|
| |
|
Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
|
| |
|
| (no subject) |
|
|
02:41pm 23/04/2008 |
|
| |
Its funny because I found myself so caught up in something, so wrapped up in something that isn't even real. A dream, a wondering imagination. So caught up in something that I thought I wanted, distracted by that for so long that I lost sense of what was right infront of me. Took it for granted, toyed with the idea. Giving myself power over the situation, just so I could go on a massive powertrip and cause damage. Then again, maybe it was damaged from the start, cause I was involved. I fuck things up on a constant basis. I dont know, my life is a cluster fuck right now, soon it will make sense. It always does, I have nothing left but time. And plenty of time is what I have. Something good will happen, my day will come. Until then, I just have to life my life. Which seems like a whirl-wind currently. My days are turning into nights, nights into days. Days morphing together and overlapping. Ive lost my sense of time completely. What is time anyways. I feel as if I waste my life away, night after night. Just sitting, staring at the clock, watching the minutes pass by. Watching time fly by, knowing that you'll never get those minutes back. Yet more lie ahead. |
|
| |
|
Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
|
| |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
xxcbyrdxx's journal